I moved

Hello, Just wanted to let you know I moved over to Wordpress. Heres the link http://thesmoothestone.wordpress.com/2013/05/10/review-of-flourish-conference-2013-night-1/

See ya there!

In recovery from bad parenting

Hi, my name is Sandei and I am a bad parent. I feel like there should be an AA for parenting. We all make mistakes. Some of us make bigger mistakes than others. We all know kids don't come with instructions, sadly. If they did they would deviate from what is in the instruction book and make us pull our hair out that way.

I had kids young. Too young. I wasn't married & ended up being a single mom with 2 kids age 4 &2 at 23 years old. Boy did they suffer the wrath of my stress from being a working single mom. I would yell, scream, cuss, put them down, beat them with hangers, pinch them under the back part of their arm til it bruised anything I thought would control them in that moment I did it. I am so ashamed to admit that. Who wouldn't be ashamed. Guilt was my best friend.

I made a conscious decision to not continue that cycle with my 16 yr old son & 9 yr old daughter. The main difference was consistency. The older 2 frequently would tag team me and wear me down until I gave in to their demands, either lifting a punishment or purchasing something or going somewhere. I can remember several times saying " At this point I don't care anymore, just SHUT UP and leave me alone" That was their tactic and it worked. When my youngest daughter misbehaves with the older ones around they say things like "Just beat her, shoot, you beat us" crazy huh. If you didn't like it why would you want that to happen to your sister. Its not fair they say.

I have seen the affects of bad parenting in my older two. They were spoiled rotten brats. They expect to always get their way. They are in the corporate world now and both of them have issues when they have to follow rules they feel are unfair, or don't get their way in some form or fashion. My older one is more out of control and less understanding than the younger one. I recently got a call from her saying she got sent home from work because someone called her a name and she cussed them out.  Don't think you are doing your child a favor when giving into their demands, you are setting them up for failure in the future. We pretty much grew up together & treating them like a friend instead of a parent has been detrimental to them.

My son is the one who requires the least amount of discipline. I think God knew I needed a break somewhere. I am so thankful for that kid! He pretty much does what I ask him to do, when I ask him to do it. He rarely talks back or doesn't follow directions. He is at his core a good person, without an ounce of malice in him. His Aspergers can be challenging but his behavior is usually not. He demanded consistency from me. If you have a child on the spectrum, you understand.

In the grand scheme of things I have been pretty consistent with my youngest since she was a baby. I still have my sucker moments but they are far apart. If we are in a store and she is continually asking for a toy I am not going to buy I give her a choice "If you choose to not stop begging, then I will take away your swimming privileges for two days, its up to you" Then I stick with that two days of no swimming. Will she ask if she can go, sure. When that occurs I say "You made the choice to not stop begging for that toy and if you choose to continue to whine about not swimming I will add more days, your choice" usually that is all it takes to get her to behave. She probably has had literally 10 spankings in her life. I am careful of the words I use when disciplining her. I make sure they are directed at the behavior not her the person. She has learned that she can choose to be on punishment or not. Her behavior has consequences and it is her choices that determine that. I pray that as we get into the pre-teen and teenage years she continues to respond to positive forms of discipline.

Bottom line is we all do the best we can with what we have. Don't beat yourself up for mistakes made yesterday, learn from them and move on.

I saw these tips on babble.com and thought they were a great tool for our parenting tool belts;

There are two concepts to keep in mind when correcting your child: using the word "how" and active listening.

1. Starting With "How" Questions

As long as you don't just ask one question before launching an "I'll tell you where you went wrong" lecture, beginning with a "how" question rather than a "why" question will encourage connection with your child. Ask things like:

"How upset are you?"

"How did her words make you feel?"

"On a scale of 1-10, how mad are you?"

"How do you think you should have handled this?"

"How are you feeling now?"

2. Active Listening

Wikipedia says, "Active listening is a communication technique that requires the listener to feed back what they hear . . . [leaving] little room for assumption or interpretation." Using active listening assures your child that he's been heard.

An example would be: "You said Sally said mean things to you, so you hit her, right?"

3. Correcting Using the Word "What"

Now it's time to shift from connecting to correcting. To do that, begin sentences with the word "what."

"What are the rules in our house when you hit a friend?"

"What are you supposed to do instead?"

"What will you be doing now to fix his hurt feelings?"

"What else happens in our house when we hurt someone's feelings or body?"

It helps if you post a list on your refrigerator of your family's rules and what happens when the rules aren't followed. That allows you to supportively walk your child over to the list as you ask questions that begin with "what." Asking questions and using natural consequences to repair the damage requires a child to think and learn from his choices.

When the words "what" and "how" are used as part of the correction process, they help fill the needs of both parent and child by steering each of them away from anger. The child feels connected and heard, which further reduces power struggles. And the parent can truly teach his child what he needs to know without relying on reactions and punishment.

When families connect as they correct behavior, they're creating new habits that naturally show up in the workplace and in their daily interactions with others. Then hopefully, the pervasive anger we're experiencing in society will begin to shift as well.

Getting organized

Getting organized usually starts with some form of spring cleaning. My 24 yr old daughter has a true gift when it comes to that. She can walk into the messiest of messy rooms and instantly sees it transformed in her head into a sleek, well organized magazine shoot ready room. If it's a closet, she takes everything, I mean everything out. Clothes too. She then makes piles things to keep, throwaway and storage. In the matter of an hour or so the transformation is complete.

How long has it been since you treated your brain like your closet? Depending on your age, there could be an entire dumpster full of junk you need to release. The bible tells us to renew our mind and it will transform us.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:12

I recently read the following article:

 "Our subconscious mind takes past life experiences, rooting back as far as childhood, to respond to a present situation. It doesn’t have the ability to cognitively distinguish or process thoughts, but it can bring about some sort of memory, whether good or bad, which may affect our judgement of a situation.

In a manner of speaking, the subconscious mind, while less cognitive, is much more powerful than the conscious mind. It actually takes up 80% of our psychology. And it can lead to precarious circumstances.

When we say: “I would like to have a cup of coffee” --- that is our conscious mind thinking and deciding our moves for us. When we say: “I’m not sure if it’s good for me to have a cup of coffee, when I need to be asleep in thirty minutes” --- that is our conscious mind debating with our subconscious."
 

Powerful stuff huh. We don't even realize during our waking hours that thoughts, situations, movies, music, tv shows, books we have read and other influences are controlling what we do. The way you view yourself and the world around you is shaped most when you are sleeping, not when you are awake. Once I realized this I started sleeping with worship music on softly all night. I want my steps directed in the right way.

If you think all the way back to your childhood there could be some memories you don't want to think of. Maybe there were hurtful words spoken over you or hurtful things done to you. Its time to clean out that space in your brain. Make room for new memories, sustaining thoughts and good times. It might require a pen and piece of paper or a computer. Start with the worst memory you have, the one you suppress the most. As you begin recording all the memories you want to get rid of, along the way you will make piles of keep, throwaway and storage.


Once you have your list of throwaway memories I encourage you to search the bible for verses to replace them. If someone said you were fat, ugly, unlovable replace that with "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful,I know that full well"Psalm 139:14
If you were on the receiving end of unfair treatment of some kind you could lean on "For the Lord is righteous, he loves justice; the upright will see his face."Psalm 11:7

Whatever circumstance you find yourself in, there is a scripture that you could memorize so when the enemy tries to use that against you by bringing up that memory you make him flee by doing what Jesus did when tempted to turn the rock into bread, use Gods word against the enemy. That is the greatest weapon you could ever have. As you begin to intentionally retrain your brain I hope you notice the difference in your thought pattern, I pray it becomes more positive day by day. In three months when you look back at how far you have come you will see the fruit of your labor & how Gods word can transform, your life.




Ref:http://www.exforsys.com/career-center/self-confidence/subconscious-mind-and-self-confidence.html

4 Difficult Talks You Need to Have With Your Kid

Apr 9 2013 repost of Amanda Morins article 

Not too long ago I wrote about why I had to talk to my kids about sex offenders and how, even though it was a difficult conversation, it was one I should have had with my children a long time ago. The world our children are growing up in is very different than the world we grew up in.

Certainly, there are things kids need to know before they leave home, but there are also things they need to know about now to help protect themselves or not end up in a bad situation. Moms say that in order to help your child, there are some difficult conversations you need to have with them.

Keep reading.

1. Talking About Racism and Diversity

Mom Serena L. says her children are among only a few biracial families in a mostly white neighborhood. At 3 years old, some of the other kids were already refusing to play with her sonbecause of his skin color. Racism is an unfortunate reality of life that your child is going to come across, but that doesn't mean they have to accept it.

Teaching tolerance from the time your child is young can help them learn that you should judge a person by how he acts and what he says, not by what he looks like or by some minority group he is a part of.

Talk to your young child about why people's skin color differs, and point out all the things people have in common. As your child gets older, the conversation will morph into discussion about other types of diversity and how to handle it when people aren't as tolerant of differences.

2. Talking About "Tricky" People

It's a good idea to teach your children about "stranger danger," but it doesn't really cover all the dangers they could face from adults. Considering that most child abductors and abusers are actually not strangers, the conversation you should be having is about what blogger Checklist Mommy refers to as "tricky people."

Mom Kelley P. explains: "A tricky person is anyone who tries to get [your child] to break a family safety rule." If you don't have family safety rules, you should put some in place, but until then, make sure your preschooler knows that a "tricky" person is an adult who asks them to keep a big secret or tells them it's OK to help out or go with them without asking a trusted parent first.

As your child gets older, you can add to the conversation by talking about "tricky" friends — kids who lie, say mean things about other children behind their backs, and try to manipulate your child into doing things they don't want to do.

3. Talking About Sexuality

Talking about sexuality is so much more thantalking to your teen about sex. It's about making sure you and your child are comfortable talking about things like masturbation, puberty, and homosexuality. As some moms point out, if youkeep homosexuality a secret, then if your child is bisexual or gay, they will be fearful of talking to you about it.

And the more comfortable your child is in their knowledge that they can talk to you about body changes and sexual feelings, the less often they'll get misinformation from friends.

4. Talking About Death

With things like serial shootings in the news andschools practicing lockdown drills, our kids learn about death sooner than we might like. It's a hard thing to explain to kids, especially if you're not sure what your own beliefs about the afterlife are.

This conversation usually starts when a pet or loved one dies, but mom Alisha J. says you can start preparing for it by having an open dialogue with your child about your thoughts about heaven or how to honor someone's memory.

Keep Talking About Tough Stuff

The key to having difficult conversations is to start talking to kids about tough stuff when they're young. Circle of Moms member Gail P. is right when she says there are "teachable moments" every day. Finding teachable moments, using age-appropriate vocabulary, and adding to the conversation as your child gets older will make these discussions easier and a more natural part of your lives.

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Source: Shutterstock

Overwhealmed, Reflection, Perspective of the Boston Marathon

Switching channels isn't doing any good. Every station has the same thing on. Horror at the Boston Marathon. Immediately my mind shifts back to that fateful day of Sept. 11,2001. In the very beginning stages of what happened once that second explosion hit, we knew, in the gut of the American people we knew it happened again. We are under attack on our own streets.

As it was played over and over on the news just as the explosion hits, in my mind it threw me backwards into a stance of reflection. I start imagining what if it had been me or my loved one. I begin to reflect on all the things planned for my life. Flashes quickly pass, if I were killed today are things in order? The things that were a big deal five minutes ago suddenly no longer a big deal.

 Perspective starts to shift your thinking. I can no longer wait to do important things. The definition itself of whats important changes. For you it might be working 50 hours a week becomes less important but spending time with your family and friends becomes important. Impressing outsiders with designer clothes or designer purses is no longer important, but being kind to the stranger on the street seems of utmost importance. Putting the phone down and listening to the kids when they talk instead of half listening becomes important. Forgiving people deserving or not becomes important. Random acts of kindness become important.

I went to get my daughter lunch from her favorite place on Saturday afternoon. They had the TV on the RedSox game. Waiting on her food I began to cry. The stands were full. Even though the day before they were told to stay home, don't leave your house. They shut the city down. But they couldn't keep us down. When horrible things happen to innocent people here in America we instantly drop religious separation, race separation, political party separation, any thing that can divide us falls to the wayside. We stand arm in arm showing the world we are UNITED from sea to shining sea. That's what makes this country so great. It is the resolve deep within the core of the American people. We might fight each other like brothers and sister's do; but NO ONE else is allowed to pick on us.

In the chaos of what happened we found out there were two people responsible, yet we saw hundreds helping. For all the evil that is in the world there is undoubtedly an overwhelming abundance of good. Good will always win against evil.

Lookin for a good book?

📖 I read this past year that I recommend 

1. Circle Maker by Mark Batterson

Teaches the importance of daily prayer & the miracles that come from it.

2. Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers

Five separate stories of women in the bible told from their point of view

3. Unglued by Lysa Terkuest

If you have ever been human & Christian at the same time this book is for you. She's very transparent.

4. Unveiled by Alan Smith 

Deals with insecurities, friendships, failures, success, grace & perceptions. 

5. Time to defeat the devil by Chuck Pierce

One of my favorite authors. This is about Spiritual warfare & how to war. Learn how to restore the blessings that you are due. 

I'm currently reading Not a fan by Kyle Idleman and The Vision by Rick Joyner

19 things your kids will thank you for

{19 Things we should say to our Children}

1. I love you! There is nothing that will make me stop loving you. Nothing you could do or say or think will ever change that.



2. You are amazing! I look at you with wonder! Not just at what you can do, but who you are. There is no one like you. No one!



3. It’s all right to cry. People cry for all kinds of reasons: when they are hurt, sad, glad, or worried; when they are angry, afraid, or lonely. Big people cry too. I do.



4. You’ve made a mistake. That was wrong. People make mistakes. I do. Is it something we can fix? What can we do? It’s all over. You can start fresh. I know you are sorry. I forgive you.



5. You did the right thing. That was scary or hard. Even though it wasn’t easy, you did it. I am proud of you; you should be too.



6. I’m sorry. Forgive me. I made a mistake.



7. You can change your mind. It’s good to decide, but it is also fine to change.



8. What a great idea! You were really thinking! How did you come up with that? Tell me more. Your mind is clever!



9. That was kind. You did something helpful and thoughtful for that person. That must make you feel good inside. Thank you!



10. I have a surprise for you. It’s not your birthday. It’s for no reason at all. Just a surprise, a little one, but a surprise.



11. I can wait. We have time. You don’t have to hurry this time.



12. What would you like to do? It’s your turn to pick. You have great ideas. It’s important to follow your special interests.



13. Tell me about it. I’d like to hear more. And then what happened? I’ll listen.



14. I’m right here. I won’t leave without saying good-bye. I am watching you. I am listening to you.



15. Please and Thank You. These are important words. If I forget to use them, will you remind me?



16. I missed you. I think about you when we are not together!



17. Just try. A little bit. One taste, one step. You might like it. Let’s see. I’ll help you if you need it. I think you can do it.



18. I’ll help you. I heard you call me, here I am. How can I help you? If we both work together, we can get this done. I know you can do it by yourself, but I’m glad to help since you asked.



19. What do you wish for? Even if it’s not yet time for birthday candles and we don’t have a wishbone, it’s still fun to hear about what you wish for, hope for, and dream about.