I moved

Hello, Just wanted to let you know I moved over to Wordpress. Heres the link http://thesmoothestone.wordpress.com/2013/05/10/review-of-flourish-conference-2013-night-1/

See ya there!

In recovery from bad parenting

Hi, my name is Sandei and I am a bad parent. I feel like there should be an AA for parenting. We all make mistakes. Some of us make bigger mistakes than others. We all know kids don't come with instructions, sadly. If they did they would deviate from what is in the instruction book and make us pull our hair out that way.

I had kids young. Too young. I wasn't married & ended up being a single mom with 2 kids age 4 &2 at 23 years old. Boy did they suffer the wrath of my stress from being a working single mom. I would yell, scream, cuss, put them down, beat them with hangers, pinch them under the back part of their arm til it bruised anything I thought would control them in that moment I did it. I am so ashamed to admit that. Who wouldn't be ashamed. Guilt was my best friend.

I made a conscious decision to not continue that cycle with my 16 yr old son & 9 yr old daughter. The main difference was consistency. The older 2 frequently would tag team me and wear me down until I gave in to their demands, either lifting a punishment or purchasing something or going somewhere. I can remember several times saying " At this point I don't care anymore, just SHUT UP and leave me alone" That was their tactic and it worked. When my youngest daughter misbehaves with the older ones around they say things like "Just beat her, shoot, you beat us" crazy huh. If you didn't like it why would you want that to happen to your sister. Its not fair they say.

I have seen the affects of bad parenting in my older two. They were spoiled rotten brats. They expect to always get their way. They are in the corporate world now and both of them have issues when they have to follow rules they feel are unfair, or don't get their way in some form or fashion. My older one is more out of control and less understanding than the younger one. I recently got a call from her saying she got sent home from work because someone called her a name and she cussed them out.  Don't think you are doing your child a favor when giving into their demands, you are setting them up for failure in the future. We pretty much grew up together & treating them like a friend instead of a parent has been detrimental to them.

My son is the one who requires the least amount of discipline. I think God knew I needed a break somewhere. I am so thankful for that kid! He pretty much does what I ask him to do, when I ask him to do it. He rarely talks back or doesn't follow directions. He is at his core a good person, without an ounce of malice in him. His Aspergers can be challenging but his behavior is usually not. He demanded consistency from me. If you have a child on the spectrum, you understand.

In the grand scheme of things I have been pretty consistent with my youngest since she was a baby. I still have my sucker moments but they are far apart. If we are in a store and she is continually asking for a toy I am not going to buy I give her a choice "If you choose to not stop begging, then I will take away your swimming privileges for two days, its up to you" Then I stick with that two days of no swimming. Will she ask if she can go, sure. When that occurs I say "You made the choice to not stop begging for that toy and if you choose to continue to whine about not swimming I will add more days, your choice" usually that is all it takes to get her to behave. She probably has had literally 10 spankings in her life. I am careful of the words I use when disciplining her. I make sure they are directed at the behavior not her the person. She has learned that she can choose to be on punishment or not. Her behavior has consequences and it is her choices that determine that. I pray that as we get into the pre-teen and teenage years she continues to respond to positive forms of discipline.

Bottom line is we all do the best we can with what we have. Don't beat yourself up for mistakes made yesterday, learn from them and move on.

I saw these tips on babble.com and thought they were a great tool for our parenting tool belts;

There are two concepts to keep in mind when correcting your child: using the word "how" and active listening.

1. Starting With "How" Questions

As long as you don't just ask one question before launching an "I'll tell you where you went wrong" lecture, beginning with a "how" question rather than a "why" question will encourage connection with your child. Ask things like:

"How upset are you?"

"How did her words make you feel?"

"On a scale of 1-10, how mad are you?"

"How do you think you should have handled this?"

"How are you feeling now?"

2. Active Listening

Wikipedia says, "Active listening is a communication technique that requires the listener to feed back what they hear . . . [leaving] little room for assumption or interpretation." Using active listening assures your child that he's been heard.

An example would be: "You said Sally said mean things to you, so you hit her, right?"

3. Correcting Using the Word "What"

Now it's time to shift from connecting to correcting. To do that, begin sentences with the word "what."

"What are the rules in our house when you hit a friend?"

"What are you supposed to do instead?"

"What will you be doing now to fix his hurt feelings?"

"What else happens in our house when we hurt someone's feelings or body?"

It helps if you post a list on your refrigerator of your family's rules and what happens when the rules aren't followed. That allows you to supportively walk your child over to the list as you ask questions that begin with "what." Asking questions and using natural consequences to repair the damage requires a child to think and learn from his choices.

When the words "what" and "how" are used as part of the correction process, they help fill the needs of both parent and child by steering each of them away from anger. The child feels connected and heard, which further reduces power struggles. And the parent can truly teach his child what he needs to know without relying on reactions and punishment.

When families connect as they correct behavior, they're creating new habits that naturally show up in the workplace and in their daily interactions with others. Then hopefully, the pervasive anger we're experiencing in society will begin to shift as well.

Getting organized

Getting organized usually starts with some form of spring cleaning. My 24 yr old daughter has a true gift when it comes to that. She can walk into the messiest of messy rooms and instantly sees it transformed in her head into a sleek, well organized magazine shoot ready room. If it's a closet, she takes everything, I mean everything out. Clothes too. She then makes piles things to keep, throwaway and storage. In the matter of an hour or so the transformation is complete.

How long has it been since you treated your brain like your closet? Depending on your age, there could be an entire dumpster full of junk you need to release. The bible tells us to renew our mind and it will transform us.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:12

I recently read the following article:

 "Our subconscious mind takes past life experiences, rooting back as far as childhood, to respond to a present situation. It doesn’t have the ability to cognitively distinguish or process thoughts, but it can bring about some sort of memory, whether good or bad, which may affect our judgement of a situation.

In a manner of speaking, the subconscious mind, while less cognitive, is much more powerful than the conscious mind. It actually takes up 80% of our psychology. And it can lead to precarious circumstances.

When we say: “I would like to have a cup of coffee” --- that is our conscious mind thinking and deciding our moves for us. When we say: “I’m not sure if it’s good for me to have a cup of coffee, when I need to be asleep in thirty minutes” --- that is our conscious mind debating with our subconscious."
 

Powerful stuff huh. We don't even realize during our waking hours that thoughts, situations, movies, music, tv shows, books we have read and other influences are controlling what we do. The way you view yourself and the world around you is shaped most when you are sleeping, not when you are awake. Once I realized this I started sleeping with worship music on softly all night. I want my steps directed in the right way.

If you think all the way back to your childhood there could be some memories you don't want to think of. Maybe there were hurtful words spoken over you or hurtful things done to you. Its time to clean out that space in your brain. Make room for new memories, sustaining thoughts and good times. It might require a pen and piece of paper or a computer. Start with the worst memory you have, the one you suppress the most. As you begin recording all the memories you want to get rid of, along the way you will make piles of keep, throwaway and storage.


Once you have your list of throwaway memories I encourage you to search the bible for verses to replace them. If someone said you were fat, ugly, unlovable replace that with "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful,I know that full well"Psalm 139:14
If you were on the receiving end of unfair treatment of some kind you could lean on "For the Lord is righteous, he loves justice; the upright will see his face."Psalm 11:7

Whatever circumstance you find yourself in, there is a scripture that you could memorize so when the enemy tries to use that against you by bringing up that memory you make him flee by doing what Jesus did when tempted to turn the rock into bread, use Gods word against the enemy. That is the greatest weapon you could ever have. As you begin to intentionally retrain your brain I hope you notice the difference in your thought pattern, I pray it becomes more positive day by day. In three months when you look back at how far you have come you will see the fruit of your labor & how Gods word can transform, your life.




Ref:http://www.exforsys.com/career-center/self-confidence/subconscious-mind-and-self-confidence.html