I had kids young. Too young. I wasn't married & ended up being a single mom with 2 kids age 4 &2 at 23 years old. Boy did they suffer the wrath of my stress from being a working single mom. I would yell, scream, cuss, put them down, beat them with hangers, pinch them under the back part of their arm til it bruised anything I thought would control them in that moment I did it. I am so ashamed to admit that. Who wouldn't be ashamed. Guilt was my best friend.
I made a conscious decision to not continue that cycle with my 16 yr old son & 9 yr old daughter. The main difference was consistency. The older 2 frequently would tag team me and wear me down until I gave in to their demands, either lifting a punishment or purchasing something or going somewhere. I can remember several times saying " At this point I don't care anymore, just SHUT UP and leave me alone" That was their tactic and it worked. When my youngest daughter misbehaves with the older ones around they say things like "Just beat her, shoot, you beat us" crazy huh. If you didn't like it why would you want that to happen to your sister. Its not fair they say.
I have seen the affects of bad parenting in my older two. They were spoiled rotten brats. They expect to always get their way. They are in the corporate world now and both of them have issues when they have to follow rules they feel are unfair, or don't get their way in some form or fashion. My older one is more out of control and less understanding than the younger one. I recently got a call from her saying she got sent home from work because someone called her a name and she cussed them out. Don't think you are doing your child a favor when giving into their demands, you are setting them up for failure in the future. We pretty much grew up together & treating them like a friend instead of a parent has been detrimental to them.
My son is the one who requires the least amount of discipline. I think God knew I needed a break somewhere. I am so thankful for that kid! He pretty much does what I ask him to do, when I ask him to do it. He rarely talks back or doesn't follow directions. He is at his core a good person, without an ounce of malice in him. His Aspergers can be challenging but his behavior is usually not. He demanded consistency from me. If you have a child on the spectrum, you understand.
In the grand scheme of things I have been pretty consistent with my youngest since she was a baby. I still have my sucker moments but they are far apart. If we are in a store and she is continually asking for a toy I am not going to buy I give her a choice "If you choose to not stop begging, then I will take away your swimming privileges for two days, its up to you" Then I stick with that two days of no swimming. Will she ask if she can go, sure. When that occurs I say "You made the choice to not stop begging for that toy and if you choose to continue to whine about not swimming I will add more days, your choice" usually that is all it takes to get her to behave. She probably has had literally 10 spankings in her life. I am careful of the words I use when disciplining her. I make sure they are directed at the behavior not her the person. She has learned that she can choose to be on punishment or not. Her behavior has consequences and it is her choices that determine that. I pray that as we get into the pre-teen and teenage years she continues to respond to positive forms of discipline.
Bottom line is we all do the best we can with what we have. Don't beat yourself up for mistakes made yesterday, learn from them and move on.
I saw these tips on babble.com and thought they were a great tool for our parenting tool belts;
There are two concepts to keep in mind when correcting your child: using the word "how" and active listening.
1. Starting With "How" Questions
As long as you don't just ask one question before launching an "I'll tell you where you went wrong" lecture, beginning with a "how" question rather than a "why" question will encourage connection with your child. Ask things like:
"How upset are you?"
"How did her words make you feel?"
"On a scale of 1-10, how mad are you?"
"How do you think you should have handled this?"
"How are you feeling now?"
2. Active Listening
Wikipedia says, "Active listening is a communication technique that requires the listener to feed back what they hear . . . [leaving] little room for assumption or interpretation." Using active listening assures your child that he's been heard.
An example would be: "You said Sally said mean things to you, so you hit her, right?"
3. Correcting Using the Word "What"
Now it's time to shift from connecting to correcting. To do that, begin sentences with the word "what."
"What are the rules in our house when you hit a friend?"
"What are you supposed to do instead?"
"What will you be doing now to fix his hurt feelings?"
"What else happens in our house when we hurt someone's feelings or body?"
It helps if you post a list on your refrigerator of your family's rules and what happens when the rules aren't followed. That allows you to supportively walk your child over to the list as you ask questions that begin with "what." Asking questions and using natural consequences to repair the damage requires a child to think and learn from his choices.
When the words "what" and "how" are used as part of the correction process, they help fill the needs of both parent and child by steering each of them away from anger. The child feels connected and heard, which further reduces power struggles. And the parent can truly teach his child what he needs to know without relying on reactions and punishment.
When families connect as they correct behavior, they're creating new habits that naturally show up in the workplace and in their daily interactions with others. Then hopefully, the pervasive anger we're experiencing in society will begin to shift as well.
Great tips! It's interesting how peoples' parenting "styles" change over the years as we learn & grow.
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